Inspiring! Graduate Student on Precipice of Emotional Collapse Saved from the Brink by Gaudy Simulacrum of Brand Loyalty and Wanton Consumerism!

“I’m resting the entirety of my psychiatric stability on this free, limited-edition, reusable Starbucks straw. I just decided it was finally time to take care of myself.. do a little something for me. As a treat. I can’t read French (?), but if I could, I’m sure the text would say something like “You can do this! You’ve got this! You’re almost there!,” but we’ll never know, I guess.. because Starbucks decided to use a language that literally no one knows. Sad.”